Post by TheShadow on Jun 5, 2004 10:19:18 GMT -5
www.thespoof.com/news/spoof.cfm?headline=s6i4291
Written by Zap
Tragic news for fans of Monday Night Football. John Madden, ex Oakland raiders coach and blubbery, blubbering color analyst, has died today from spontaneous combustion.
According to witnesses, Madden had just finished a three hour breakfast at his favorite local restaurant, "Big Joe's House of Slop," when he suddenly blurted out "Is it hot in here, or is it just...," that was when "he just went up in flames," according to one eye witness, "it reminded me of a pig roast I went to last summer...it was a horrible thing to witness...Madden burning up that is, not the pig roast...the pig roast was kinda fun." Paramedics arrived at the scene within minutes, but by the time they got there all that was left were a charbroiled carcass and a big pile of grease. "What could they do," said another witness, "there wasn't much left. They just took a wet-dry vac and sucked up what was left."
Al Michaels, play-by-play partner of Madden on Monday Night Football, had this to say in a SPOOF exclusive; "Wow, what a shock! I mean, it seemed like only yesterday we were doing a game, and then BOOM...no pun intended...he just burns to a crisp. I know he will be missed, not by me of course... as I couldn't stand the fat blubbering idiot, but I'm sure someone will miss him. Hell, I figure someone even missed Cosell when he croaked."
A replacement for Madden is not being considered at this time, according to ABC spokesman Monte Wilson. "We don't really have anyone in mind at the moment...this is still quite a shock. We think John Madden will be very difficult to replace. We may hold auditions for quite a few people...anyone could be included, except Dennis Miller. We have been looking at "CarrotTop" for a while, and we think he could add a new dimension to the game. We are always looking for that new angle. We may even try OJ again. Fans could tune in to see if he goes berserk and stabs Al Michaels. But, like I say, we aren't really thinking about that yet. Let's bury the big guy first, then we can worry about ratings the next day."
Spontaneous Combustion, little understood and extremely rare, is responsible for killing several hundred people a year, according to Dr. Norman Thomas, a Professor of Parapsychology at the Yonkers College of Parapsychology and Dog Grooming. "While not accepted as fact by the medical establishment, we have many, many documented cases of spontaneous combustion," stated Dr. Thomas, "many go into the 'unexplained' files of the local coroner's office and many more are ruled as homicides. Now though, we are beginning to understand and accept spontaneous combustion as an authentic scientific phenomenon. Serious research is going on, and we think we are coming close to finding the cause. Right now, we are leaning toward demonic possession, or it could be invisible rays of some sort from Mars. With more serious research, we should be 100% certain in the coming years."
Written by Zap
Tragic news for fans of Monday Night Football. John Madden, ex Oakland raiders coach and blubbery, blubbering color analyst, has died today from spontaneous combustion.
According to witnesses, Madden had just finished a three hour breakfast at his favorite local restaurant, "Big Joe's House of Slop," when he suddenly blurted out "Is it hot in here, or is it just...," that was when "he just went up in flames," according to one eye witness, "it reminded me of a pig roast I went to last summer...it was a horrible thing to witness...Madden burning up that is, not the pig roast...the pig roast was kinda fun." Paramedics arrived at the scene within minutes, but by the time they got there all that was left were a charbroiled carcass and a big pile of grease. "What could they do," said another witness, "there wasn't much left. They just took a wet-dry vac and sucked up what was left."
Al Michaels, play-by-play partner of Madden on Monday Night Football, had this to say in a SPOOF exclusive; "Wow, what a shock! I mean, it seemed like only yesterday we were doing a game, and then BOOM...no pun intended...he just burns to a crisp. I know he will be missed, not by me of course... as I couldn't stand the fat blubbering idiot, but I'm sure someone will miss him. Hell, I figure someone even missed Cosell when he croaked."
A replacement for Madden is not being considered at this time, according to ABC spokesman Monte Wilson. "We don't really have anyone in mind at the moment...this is still quite a shock. We think John Madden will be very difficult to replace. We may hold auditions for quite a few people...anyone could be included, except Dennis Miller. We have been looking at "CarrotTop" for a while, and we think he could add a new dimension to the game. We are always looking for that new angle. We may even try OJ again. Fans could tune in to see if he goes berserk and stabs Al Michaels. But, like I say, we aren't really thinking about that yet. Let's bury the big guy first, then we can worry about ratings the next day."
Spontaneous Combustion, little understood and extremely rare, is responsible for killing several hundred people a year, according to Dr. Norman Thomas, a Professor of Parapsychology at the Yonkers College of Parapsychology and Dog Grooming. "While not accepted as fact by the medical establishment, we have many, many documented cases of spontaneous combustion," stated Dr. Thomas, "many go into the 'unexplained' files of the local coroner's office and many more are ruled as homicides. Now though, we are beginning to understand and accept spontaneous combustion as an authentic scientific phenomenon. Serious research is going on, and we think we are coming close to finding the cause. Right now, we are leaning toward demonic possession, or it could be invisible rays of some sort from Mars. With more serious research, we should be 100% certain in the coming years."