Post by TheShadow on Jan 11, 2006 4:45:46 GMT -5
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www.sportsline.com/
By Matt Rehm
CBS SportsLine.com Staff Writer
Although he should have been fired the minute he named Marques Tuiasosopo his starting quarterback against the Jets, Norv Turner took his rightful place in the NFL's unemployment line soon after the regular season ended.
Al Davis has never been known for his patience, and a 1-11 record against the AFC West over two years simply wasn't going to cut it. Yet even though Turner's dismissal was fully expected, it was a sad day nonetheless ... for gamblers. The thoroughly uninspired Raiders went 5-11 against the spread this season, tying the Eagles and Rams for worst in the NFL.
Jim Fassel, Rick Neuheisel, Art Shell and Pat Hill have been mentioned as potential replacements. But if Davis wants to get the Silver and Black back on track, there's only one man for the job.
Maurice Clarett.
Clarett has always conducted himself as if a career in pro football was his birthright. It's painfully clear that he'll never be an NFL player, so maybe he's meant to be a coach.
Plus, Davis loves tweaking his divisional rivals by signing their former players (Bill Romanowski, Andre Rison, et al). Clarett was a Denver Bronco for about 12 minutes -- roughly the time it took him to run a 40. Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Plus, the Raiders have always cultivated a renegade image. Who is more of a renegade than Clarett, a first-ballot inductee into the Wasted Talent Hall of Fame alongside charter members Chris Washburn, Michael Ray Richardson and Lawrence Phillips? (Marcus Vick isn't yet eligible, but would seem to be a lock.)
A thoroughbred athlete, everything else about Clarett screams "jackass."
What else can you say about a guy who allegedly brandishes a gun while robbing someone in a town where he's not just famous but infamous? A guy who risks going to jail for 20 years and comes away with only a cell phone to show for it? A guy who -- in the midst of the alleged robbery -- pauses to hug an acquaintance who repeatedly refers to him by name?
I wasn't there, of course, but here's how I imagine the scene playing out ...
MUGGER: Gimme your money!
(Lifts up shirt, revealing handgun in waistband)
VICTIM: OK, OK -- just be cool, man, be cool!
MUGGER: The cell phone, too!
MUGGER: Wha-
FRIEND: Maurice! Maurice Clarett!
MUGGER: No, no, no -- that's not me, you got the wrong ...
FRIEND Oh, don't even act like you don't know me, Maurice Clarett!
(Warm hug)
MUGGER: Look, I don't know who you think I am ...
FRIEND: Who you are? You're former Ohio State tailback Maurice Clarett! No. 13! You're the guy who ran for 1,237 yards and scored 18 touchdowns for the Buckeyes in 2002! And now you always hang out at the bar I own! I'd know you anywhere, Maurice Clarett!
MUGGER: That's great, but I'm kind of in the middle of something here ...
FRIEND: Oh, now you're too busy for me, Mr. 4.82-in-the-40! Hey, are you still 5-11, 234 pounds? Looks like you've put on a little weight, Maurice Clarett!
Having identified the perfect candidate to fill the Raiders' vacancy, I look forward to receiving a generous consulting fee. In fact, this was such easy money, I'd like to provide similar assistance for other teams in need of new coaches.
Green Bay Packers: According to an Associated Press story, Mike Sherman "wasn't given a reason why he was fired a day after the Packers beat the Seattle Seahawks to finish the season 4-12, their worst record in 15 years."
Um, Mike, I think the reason you were fired is because the Packers finished 4-12, their worst record in 15 years.
Current Packers defensive coordinator Jim Bates will interview for the position, but if Green Bay opts for an external candidate, they need to place a call to Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen.
Brett Favre will almost certainly retire if an outsider is hired. Who knows more about successfully replacing an arm than Allen? He lost one in a 1984 car wreck, yet remains with the band to this day. Three years after the accident, they released Hysteria, which sold over 15 million copies worldwide and spawned six top-20 singles -- each of which ranged from "completely intolerable" to "utterly horrific."
Similarly, Favre's heir apparent Aaron Rodgers is one of six quarterbacks coached by Jeff Tedford who became first-round picks, the others being Akili Smith, Trent Dilfer, Joey Harrington, David Carr and Kyle Boller. In this analogy, Rodgers is to Armageddon It as Harrington is to Pour Some Sugar on Me.
(If you have no idea what I mean by that, don't worry -- neither do I.)
Detroit Lions: How popular is the "Fire Millen" phenomenon in Detroit? Even Matt Millen is caught up in it. How else can one explain his decision to interview Jim Haslett for the Lions' job? Millen either wants to be fired or lynched by an angry mob, or maybe he gets some sort of sick pleasure out of tormenting the greater Detroit area. I predict that Millen's next move will be to interview Dom Capers, then name himself head coach and bolt the doors while the villagers light torches and prepare to storm Ford Field.
But I digress. Haslett was 46-52 as the Saints' head coach. The Saints' situation was unique to say the least, but a career record that's six games below .500 shouldn't make anybody a hot commodity. Instead of recycling Haslett, why not think "outside the box," as the corporate types like to say? And when I say "outside the box," I'm talking about proactively leveraging the synergies of not one but TWO Detroit icons: Kid Rock and Eminem.
Kid Rock -- who has garnered more fame with less talent than anybody this side of Carson Daly -- has been off the road for a year, but just released some tour dates and has a live album hitting the shelves on Valentine's Day. So, he probably has too much on his plate to take on the responsibility of coaching an NFL team.
This time-management issue is why I'm proposing a two-headed coaching monster. Eminem recently said that he is taking a break from performing, and that he and Kim have reconciled. (Good Lord willing, those two crazy kids can make it work this time.)
With his personal life settled and an abundance of free time on his hands, the erstwhile Slim Shady is eager to embrace a new challenge that, presumably, doesn't involve rhyming about getting V.D. from Christina Aguilera, feuding with Moby or beating up Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
don't see much downside here. Detroit has won exactly one playoff game since 1957. Could things be much worse under Kid Rock/Eminem? At least with those two on board, the Lions could hold postgame concerts and provide some sort of entertainment value for the fans.
Minnesota Vikings: Technically, the Vikings have already hired a head coach, opting for Eagles offensive coordinator Brad Childress. Despite his strong Midwestern ties, high moral fiber and impressive mustache (rivaling that of mentor Andy Reid), perhaps Childress' hiring was a bit hasty.
I know what you're thinking. I'm going to say that the Vikings should have hired Ric Flair, who is both a Minnesota native and a former football player. Well, you're wrong. Coaching the Vikings is, quite frankly, beneath the Nature Boy. Anyway, they need to clean up their image, and that's no job for the self-professed Dirtiest Player in the Game.
(That said, I would fully endorse Childress hiring Ole and Arn Anderson -- aka the Minnesota Wrecking Crew -- as his offensive and defensive coordinators. And J.J. Dillon as his general manager. I'll stop now.)
Of course, the Vikings need a true disciplinarian, and nobody ran a tighter ship than Gavin McLeod in his role as Captain Merrill Stubing. Just ask Lauren Tewes (aka Julie McCoy). She had a coke problem and BOOM, she's thrown off the Love Boat. You think Capt. Stubing would hesitate to toss Fred Smoot overboard? Not for one second. But that would be too obvious.
Instead, I would have opted for Minneapolis native Richard Dean Anderson, better known as TV's MacGyver. I'm sure Childress will do a fine job, but could he solve all of the Vikes' problems using only a ball of twine, a case of Spam, an old Ace of Base CD, a fire hose and the bumper off an '82 Chevy Citation?
I think not.
www.sportsline.com/
By Matt Rehm
CBS SportsLine.com Staff Writer
Although he should have been fired the minute he named Marques Tuiasosopo his starting quarterback against the Jets, Norv Turner took his rightful place in the NFL's unemployment line soon after the regular season ended.
Al Davis has never been known for his patience, and a 1-11 record against the AFC West over two years simply wasn't going to cut it. Yet even though Turner's dismissal was fully expected, it was a sad day nonetheless ... for gamblers. The thoroughly uninspired Raiders went 5-11 against the spread this season, tying the Eagles and Rams for worst in the NFL.
Jim Fassel, Rick Neuheisel, Art Shell and Pat Hill have been mentioned as potential replacements. But if Davis wants to get the Silver and Black back on track, there's only one man for the job.
Maurice Clarett.
Clarett has always conducted himself as if a career in pro football was his birthright. It's painfully clear that he'll never be an NFL player, so maybe he's meant to be a coach.
Plus, Davis loves tweaking his divisional rivals by signing their former players (Bill Romanowski, Andre Rison, et al). Clarett was a Denver Bronco for about 12 minutes -- roughly the time it took him to run a 40. Sounds like a match made in heaven.
Plus, the Raiders have always cultivated a renegade image. Who is more of a renegade than Clarett, a first-ballot inductee into the Wasted Talent Hall of Fame alongside charter members Chris Washburn, Michael Ray Richardson and Lawrence Phillips? (Marcus Vick isn't yet eligible, but would seem to be a lock.)
A thoroughbred athlete, everything else about Clarett screams "jackass."
What else can you say about a guy who allegedly brandishes a gun while robbing someone in a town where he's not just famous but infamous? A guy who risks going to jail for 20 years and comes away with only a cell phone to show for it? A guy who -- in the midst of the alleged robbery -- pauses to hug an acquaintance who repeatedly refers to him by name?
I wasn't there, of course, but here's how I imagine the scene playing out ...
MUGGER: Gimme your money!
(Lifts up shirt, revealing handgun in waistband)
VICTIM: OK, OK -- just be cool, man, be cool!
MUGGER: The cell phone, too!
MUGGER: Wha-
FRIEND: Maurice! Maurice Clarett!
MUGGER: No, no, no -- that's not me, you got the wrong ...
FRIEND Oh, don't even act like you don't know me, Maurice Clarett!
(Warm hug)
MUGGER: Look, I don't know who you think I am ...
FRIEND: Who you are? You're former Ohio State tailback Maurice Clarett! No. 13! You're the guy who ran for 1,237 yards and scored 18 touchdowns for the Buckeyes in 2002! And now you always hang out at the bar I own! I'd know you anywhere, Maurice Clarett!
MUGGER: That's great, but I'm kind of in the middle of something here ...
FRIEND: Oh, now you're too busy for me, Mr. 4.82-in-the-40! Hey, are you still 5-11, 234 pounds? Looks like you've put on a little weight, Maurice Clarett!
Having identified the perfect candidate to fill the Raiders' vacancy, I look forward to receiving a generous consulting fee. In fact, this was such easy money, I'd like to provide similar assistance for other teams in need of new coaches.
Green Bay Packers: According to an Associated Press story, Mike Sherman "wasn't given a reason why he was fired a day after the Packers beat the Seattle Seahawks to finish the season 4-12, their worst record in 15 years."
Um, Mike, I think the reason you were fired is because the Packers finished 4-12, their worst record in 15 years.
Current Packers defensive coordinator Jim Bates will interview for the position, but if Green Bay opts for an external candidate, they need to place a call to Def Leppard drummer Rick Allen.
Brett Favre will almost certainly retire if an outsider is hired. Who knows more about successfully replacing an arm than Allen? He lost one in a 1984 car wreck, yet remains with the band to this day. Three years after the accident, they released Hysteria, which sold over 15 million copies worldwide and spawned six top-20 singles -- each of which ranged from "completely intolerable" to "utterly horrific."
Similarly, Favre's heir apparent Aaron Rodgers is one of six quarterbacks coached by Jeff Tedford who became first-round picks, the others being Akili Smith, Trent Dilfer, Joey Harrington, David Carr and Kyle Boller. In this analogy, Rodgers is to Armageddon It as Harrington is to Pour Some Sugar on Me.
(If you have no idea what I mean by that, don't worry -- neither do I.)
Detroit Lions: How popular is the "Fire Millen" phenomenon in Detroit? Even Matt Millen is caught up in it. How else can one explain his decision to interview Jim Haslett for the Lions' job? Millen either wants to be fired or lynched by an angry mob, or maybe he gets some sort of sick pleasure out of tormenting the greater Detroit area. I predict that Millen's next move will be to interview Dom Capers, then name himself head coach and bolt the doors while the villagers light torches and prepare to storm Ford Field.
But I digress. Haslett was 46-52 as the Saints' head coach. The Saints' situation was unique to say the least, but a career record that's six games below .500 shouldn't make anybody a hot commodity. Instead of recycling Haslett, why not think "outside the box," as the corporate types like to say? And when I say "outside the box," I'm talking about proactively leveraging the synergies of not one but TWO Detroit icons: Kid Rock and Eminem.
Kid Rock -- who has garnered more fame with less talent than anybody this side of Carson Daly -- has been off the road for a year, but just released some tour dates and has a live album hitting the shelves on Valentine's Day. So, he probably has too much on his plate to take on the responsibility of coaching an NFL team.
This time-management issue is why I'm proposing a two-headed coaching monster. Eminem recently said that he is taking a break from performing, and that he and Kim have reconciled. (Good Lord willing, those two crazy kids can make it work this time.)
With his personal life settled and an abundance of free time on his hands, the erstwhile Slim Shady is eager to embrace a new challenge that, presumably, doesn't involve rhyming about getting V.D. from Christina Aguilera, feuding with Moby or beating up Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.
don't see much downside here. Detroit has won exactly one playoff game since 1957. Could things be much worse under Kid Rock/Eminem? At least with those two on board, the Lions could hold postgame concerts and provide some sort of entertainment value for the fans.
Minnesota Vikings: Technically, the Vikings have already hired a head coach, opting for Eagles offensive coordinator Brad Childress. Despite his strong Midwestern ties, high moral fiber and impressive mustache (rivaling that of mentor Andy Reid), perhaps Childress' hiring was a bit hasty.
I know what you're thinking. I'm going to say that the Vikings should have hired Ric Flair, who is both a Minnesota native and a former football player. Well, you're wrong. Coaching the Vikings is, quite frankly, beneath the Nature Boy. Anyway, they need to clean up their image, and that's no job for the self-professed Dirtiest Player in the Game.
(That said, I would fully endorse Childress hiring Ole and Arn Anderson -- aka the Minnesota Wrecking Crew -- as his offensive and defensive coordinators. And J.J. Dillon as his general manager. I'll stop now.)
Of course, the Vikings need a true disciplinarian, and nobody ran a tighter ship than Gavin McLeod in his role as Captain Merrill Stubing. Just ask Lauren Tewes (aka Julie McCoy). She had a coke problem and BOOM, she's thrown off the Love Boat. You think Capt. Stubing would hesitate to toss Fred Smoot overboard? Not for one second. But that would be too obvious.
Instead, I would have opted for Minneapolis native Richard Dean Anderson, better known as TV's MacGyver. I'm sure Childress will do a fine job, but could he solve all of the Vikes' problems using only a ball of twine, a case of Spam, an old Ace of Base CD, a fire hose and the bumper off an '82 Chevy Citation?
I think not.