Post by TheShadow on Nov 29, 2003 21:17:50 GMT -5
When talking about Coach Bill Callahan...
Breo wrote this on the ASFPOR newsgroup: "Let's try to keep things in perspective before we call the Spanish
Inquisition on Callahan, shall we?"
Nucear Waste then replied with this: "Ahh, but no one EVER expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
And now for something completely different...
Breo: Trouble with the Raiders.
Queen B: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Breo: Brown on't crossing routes gone owt askew in end zone.
Queen B: Pardon?
Breo: Brown on't crossing routes gone owt askew in end zone.
Queen B: I don't understand what you're saying.
Breo: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent of a
Spanish Count) Brown on't crossing routes gone owt askew in end zone.
Queen B: Well what on earth does that mean?
Breo: *I* don't know - James Jett just told me to come in here and say
that there was trouble in the end zone, that's all - I didn't expect a kind
of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The door flies open and Raider Izzy of ASFPOR enters, flanked by two other
Raiders. Raider Pirate has a football helmet pushed over his forehead.
Raider Fang is just a Fanman.
Izzy: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are
fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are
fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion
to the Oakland Raiders.... Our *four*...no...*Amongst* our weapons....
Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in
again.
(Exit and exeunt)
Breo: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The Raiders burst in)
Izzy: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such
diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost
fanatical devotion to the Oakland Raiders, and nice Silver&Black uniforms -
Oh damn! (To Raider Pirate) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Pirate: What?
Izzy: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Pirate: I couldn't do that now...give me time to work up a Jam of the week.
(Izzy bundles the Raiders outside again)
Breo: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The Raiders enter)
Pirate: Er.... Nobody...um....
Izzy: Expects...
Pirate: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Izzy: Inquisition.
Pirate: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In
fact,those who do expect -
Izzy: Our chief weapons are...
Pirate: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Izzy: Surprise...
Pirate: Surprise and --
Izzy: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!...our
chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Raider, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Al Davis. 'My old man said follow the--'
Pirate: That's enough. (To Queen B) Now, how do you plead?
Queen B: We're innocent.
Izzy: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')
Pirate: We'll soon change your mind about that!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')
Izzy: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a
supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Raider -- the torture!
(Pirate produces a folder that has the title "Walter Berry's cross-posts"
written on it. Izzy looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to
lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger after he opened the
folder)
Izzy: You....Right! Tie her down.
(Fang and Pirate make a pathetic attempt to make Queen B read Walter Berry's
inane ramblings)
Izzy: Right! How do you plead?
Queen B: Innocent.
Izzy: Ha! Right! Raider, give her the post Walter did on Kurt Warner (oh
dear) turn the page.
(Pirate stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Pirate: I....
Izzy: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you could not bear to even do a
Google search on Walter Berry and print his cross-posts. I didn't want to
say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Pirate: I...
Izzy: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Pirate: Shall I...?
Izzy: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Pirate opens the folder of blank pages in the folder)
(Cut to them torturing Sac D ).
Izzy: Now, old man -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by
thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four*
counts. Do you confess?
Sac D: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Izzy: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Pirate! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Pirate holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Pirate: Here they are, bro.
Izzy: Now -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy,
reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be
free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of
which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Sac D: I don't know what you're talking about but I do need a beer.
Izzy: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Raider! Go to the fridge and
get a cold beer!
(Pirate carries out this rather pathetic torture but first has a beer)
Izzy: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Pirate: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, bro.
Izzy: Did you play last years Super Bowl tape?
Pirate: Yes, bro.
Izzy: (angrily taking the Super Bowl video tape): Hm! He is made of
harder stuff! Raider Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Zoom into Fang's horrified face)
Fang (terrified): The...Comfy Chair?
(Pirate pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)
Izzy: So you think you are strong because you can survive watching last
years Super Bowl tape. Well, we shall see. Pirate! Put him in the Comfy
Chair!
(They roughly push him into the Comfy Chair)
Izzy (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a couple of beers at eleven. (aside, to Pirate) Is
that really all it is?
Pirate: Yes, bro.
Izzy: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess,
woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Fang: I confess!
Izzy: Not you!
Breo wrote this on the ASFPOR newsgroup: "Let's try to keep things in perspective before we call the Spanish
Inquisition on Callahan, shall we?"
Nucear Waste then replied with this: "Ahh, but no one EVER expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
And now for something completely different...
Breo: Trouble with the Raiders.
Queen B: Oh no - what kind of trouble?
Breo: Brown on't crossing routes gone owt askew in end zone.
Queen B: Pardon?
Breo: Brown on't crossing routes gone owt askew in end zone.
Queen B: I don't understand what you're saying.
Breo: (slightly irritatedly and with exaggeratedly clear accent of a
Spanish Count) Brown on't crossing routes gone owt askew in end zone.
Queen B: Well what on earth does that mean?
Breo: *I* don't know - James Jett just told me to come in here and say
that there was trouble in the end zone, that's all - I didn't expect a kind
of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The door flies open and Raider Izzy of ASFPOR enters, flanked by two other
Raiders. Raider Pirate has a football helmet pushed over his forehead.
Raider Fang is just a Fanman.
Izzy: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
surprise...surprise and fear...fear and surprise.... Our two weapons are
fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency.... Our *three* weapons are
fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency...and an almost fanatical devotion
to the Oakland Raiders.... Our *four*...no...*Amongst* our weapons....
Amongst our weaponry...are such elements as fear, surprise.... I'll come in
again.
(Exit and exeunt)
Breo: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The Raiders burst in)
Izzy: NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such
diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost
fanatical devotion to the Oakland Raiders, and nice Silver&Black uniforms -
Oh damn! (To Raider Pirate) I can't say it - you'll have to say it.
Pirate: What?
Izzy: You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ...'
Pirate: I couldn't do that now...give me time to work up a Jam of the week.
(Izzy bundles the Raiders outside again)
Breo: I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
(The Raiders enter)
Pirate: Er.... Nobody...um....
Izzy: Expects...
Pirate: Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um...
Izzy: Inquisition.
Pirate: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In
fact,those who do expect -
Izzy: Our chief weapons are...
Pirate: Our chief weapons are...um...er...
Izzy: Surprise...
Pirate: Surprise and --
Izzy: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah!...our
chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Raider, read the charges.
Fang: You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy
against the Al Davis. 'My old man said follow the--'
Pirate: That's enough. (To Queen B) Now, how do you plead?
Queen B: We're innocent.
Izzy: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER')
Pirate: We'll soon change your mind about that!
(Superimposed caption: 'DIABOLICAL ACTING')
Izzy: Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- (controls himself with a
supreme effort) Ooooh! Now, Raider -- the torture!
(Pirate produces a folder that has the title "Walter Berry's cross-posts"
written on it. Izzy looks at it and clenches his teeth in an effort not to
lose control. He hums heavily to cover his anger after he opened the
folder)
Izzy: You....Right! Tie her down.
(Fang and Pirate make a pathetic attempt to make Queen B read Walter Berry's
inane ramblings)
Izzy: Right! How do you plead?
Queen B: Innocent.
Izzy: Ha! Right! Raider, give her the post Walter did on Kurt Warner (oh
dear) turn the page.
(Pirate stands their awkwardly and shrugs his shoulders)
Pirate: I....
Izzy: (gritting his teeth) I *know*, I know you could not bear to even do a
Google search on Walter Berry and print his cross-posts. I didn't want to
say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake.
Pirate: I...
Izzy: It makes it all seem so stupid.
Pirate: Shall I...?
Izzy: No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha!
(Pirate opens the folder of blank pages in the folder)
(Cut to them torturing Sac D ).
Izzy: Now, old man -- you are accused of heresy on three counts -- heresy by
thought, heresy by word, heresy by deed, and heresy by action -- *four*
counts. Do you confess?
Sac D: I don't understand what I'm accused of.
Izzy: Ha! Then we'll make you understand! Pirate! Fetch...THE CUSHIONS!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Pirate holds out two ordinary modern household cushions)
Pirate: Here they are, bro.
Izzy: Now -- you have one last chance. Confess the heinous sin of heresy,
reject the works of the ungodly -- *two* last chances. And you shall be
free -- *three* last chances. You have three last chances, the nature of
which I have divulged in my previous utterance.
Sac D: I don't know what you're talking about but I do need a beer.
Izzy: Right! If that's the way you want it -- Raider! Go to the fridge and
get a cold beer!
(Pirate carries out this rather pathetic torture but first has a beer)
Izzy: Confess! Confess! Confess!
Pirate: It doesn't seem to be hurting him, bro.
Izzy: Did you play last years Super Bowl tape?
Pirate: Yes, bro.
Izzy: (angrily taking the Super Bowl video tape): Hm! He is made of
harder stuff! Raider Fang! Fetch...THE COMFY CHAIR!
(JARRING CHORD)
(Zoom into Fang's horrified face)
Fang (terrified): The...Comfy Chair?
(Pirate pushes in a comfy chair -- a really plush one)
Izzy: So you think you are strong because you can survive watching last
years Super Bowl tape. Well, we shall see. Pirate! Put him in the Comfy
Chair!
(They roughly push him into the Comfy Chair)
Izzy (with a cruel leer): Now -- you will stay in the Comfy Chair until
lunch time, with only a couple of beers at eleven. (aside, to Pirate) Is
that really all it is?
Pirate: Yes, bro.
Izzy: I see. I suppose we make it worse by shouting a lot, do we? Confess,
woman. Confess! Confess! Confess! Confess!
Fang: I confess!
Izzy: Not you!